|
Available in High Definition (where available) |
|
|
Updated Mondays & Fridays (...kind of) 5/30/05 2236 Hours Well, its been a while since the site has been updated (again), so I figured I would write an incredibly brief post about it being Memorial Day. In keeping with the site's new, slightly announced just now, policy of trying to join the HD revolution; I present to you a picture of the American Fighting Spirit.
That picture just screams "God bless America, and all of its widescreen televisions and computers." Sometime soon I'll find time to write a real post. Chances are it will either be drawing parallels between the Iraq war and the Streetfighter movie, or a countdown of my favorite guns. Either way, I'm sure that anyone who actually waited all this time to read it will never visit this site again afterwards. - Captain Marbles P.S. I'll probably get off my ass sometime and take my insomnia post off the front page soon so it will stop slowing down the internet. Thats right, the entire internet. 5/02/05 0414 Hours Good morning, everyone. It is now 4:14 AM and I've crossed the threshold of pretending that if I fall asleep, it will be enough for when I wake up at 7 AM to take my exam. I blame Jim Carrey for making Ace Ventura so funny that I stayed up till 3 watching it, even though I saw it earlier today (or yesterday, if you want to get technical about it). I plan on watching Daria that I've downloaded off the internet for the next few hours, but figured I might as well put something up here first. Speaking of Daria though, it wasn't until Saturday that I learned that Mike Judge had nothing to do with the show and only let MTV do it so they would get off his back about making King Of The Hill for Fox. Now that he only has Beavis & Butthead and Office Space going for him I don't like him quite as much. I also found out that he was born in Ecuador, which I was interested because I know a family from there. This little discovery has made my list of People I Know Of From Ecuador to about 5 people and my sent my list of People I Like From Ecuador skyrocketing to 1. I won't give away who that one person is, but I will narrow it down to "the guy who made one of my all time favorite shows" and "that bitch". If you think I'm being mean, keep in mind that not only do I not like her, but neither did Señor Grümbles or Jeeves Wilkins. I haven't talked much with Domino, but I don't think he's too fond of her either. Moving on... I know this wasn't a very good update, but it is short. So instead of writing something good that nobody will ever go through the trouble of reading, I made something shitty that almost everyone who stops by will read. The little white supremacist from American History X told me to always end a paper with a quote, so in the words of Dogbert, "Its better to be a well-known failure, than a successful nobody." - Captain Marbles P.S. - Thats what the alphabet would look like if Q and R weren't in it. (Look, a tribute to Mitch Hedberg; who died before his time.) P.P.S. - Be sure to thank movies that run late, or early...whatever. (A tribute to Daria, which was canceled before its time. Good thing Noggin isn't parading Mitch Hedberg's corpse around too.) BONUS UPDATE!!!1! Its now 1801 hours and I've gotten two hours of sleep since I made the last post. If you are curious as to my mental state right now I have included a large but accurate representation of it, thanks to the Something Awful goons (give it a little while to load all the way):
Also, we really want to change the high-contrast color scheme that Grumbles and Wilkins came up with in a fit of laziness, so either suggest something good for a new background (we're too lazy to change all the text) or the site will turn into THIS. - Captain Marbles 04/21/05 Well everybody, all I can say is that tomorrow is Earth Day. That means that we have to pretend that we care about the Earth, even though we won't do shit, or at least that's what I plan to do. Anyways this is Jeeves Wilkins officially resigning. When my partner resigned it is obvious that this website went under. Well our website is back except the original writers are saying good bye, we are handing off the torch. Say hello to Captain Marbles, and Domino. Come next Monday will be a new update with our new hosts. 2/18/05 Jeeves Wilkins has a new post and I would just like to add that he is completely exaggerating. He steals money from the government to pay for college. 2/14/05 So, another Valentine's Day is here. I wish I had something to be excited about, but not enough to do anything about it. We took a little break because we're lazy and I decided to watch Lexx all last weekend instead of write something or put Jeeves's post on the internet. If you have a problem with that, maybe you can go make your own shitty website. Back to Valentine's Day then. I thought about writing some long post about my successes and failures with women, but then I decided that would be too much work and thought up something simpler. Besides, I can pretend to be bitter until the cows come home, commit suicide, and turn themselves into hamburgers; but the truth of the matter is that I really don't give a shit. The only downside of being single is that everyone has a friend like Jeeves Wilkins, who doesn't own a pair of boxers with the fly-button thingy still there because his girlfriends have ripped them all off in a plethora of sexual frenzies. Speaking of which, I haven't heard from that jackass today; maybe the ice storm we had yesterday made him decide to stay in today and have a threesome while his cats watch. Either way, here's the meat of my post for today:
If you want a challenge, try taking a swastika off of a skinhead's body. I know it looks like I just covered it up, but I decided to do things right with this picture. So lets all give up our hate and embrace a holiday created by naughty underwear companies. Lets also all go out and buy a copy of American History X so that when the movie studios come after me I can argue that you both already own a copy. - Captain Marbles 1/30/05 We’re back, bitches! ...kinda. So, you may be wondering why we had to shut down and relocate about two months later. Well, here’s the story:
Here I am, lying in bed trying to fall back asleep before I have to get up for class and I hear a knocking at the door. I tried to ignore it like I did the phone, but whoever it was kept knocking. So I get up and answer the door and even though I’m not wearing my contacts, I can make out the fact that both people are wearing badges around their necks. [ This section has been preemptively removed due to advice I was given by the police. ]
And let me tell you, it is a bit uncomfortable to be talking to the police when you are only wearing a pair of basketball shorts; especially when you aren’t wearing underwear. On average, the wife-beaters on Cops wear more than I was. If my answer has you wondering why I couldn’t include the whole story, the police told me that they didn’t want the entity that sent them to receive any bad press, so here we are.
Now, I know that we could have had what’s left of the site back up later that day at a different spot, but having the police come bother you really sucks the will out of you to write updates. I would also like to point out to everyone who may ever visit the site that just because something is on the internet and can be viewed by everyone in the world, doesn’t mean that it will be seen by everyone in the world. Case in point would be my list of owned video games on IGN. Oh no! Now terrorists are going to be able to track me down because they know that I own Taz-Mania for the Game Gear!
Even though I’m going to be leaving, it won’t just be Jeeves Wilkins running things around here. He probably would, but he doesn’t know enough about running a website, so he enlisted the help of some other nerd who goes by Captain Marbles. I advise him to guard his identity better than I did for obvious reasons. When I told Jeeves about what happened to our site he was jealous because the police didn’t come after him. This may seem weird to you, but he’s almost as hard to track down as John Conner in Terminator 3. Jeeves is living so “off the grid” that when I tried calling him a few weeks ago I got a cell phone that was turned off in a different area code two hours away, and a phone line that had been disconnected. The last time I spoke to him on the phone he was using a payphone in Chicago. When I mentioned to the police “the guy who helps me run the website”, he looked in his file and responded “Oh, this Jim, or something?”. Now, for those of you who don’t know Jeeves’ real name, I can assure you that there is not a “J”, “I”, and/or “M” in his first or last names. Real good detective work there, Starsky. Furthermore, I was told that the incident was being handled “off the record”. That’s a nice thing to say, but there is a record, he was holding it in his hand. If that sounded a bit condescending to you, keep in mind that everyone on this website is required to have an alias, and he didn’t leave me one before he left so I did what I could for him.
So, in summation:
I would have posted Jeeves’ update earlier but I had a headache on Friday, and yesterday I decided I would rather play the guitar with a drill like my hero, Eddie Van Halen. So there, because I’m lazy, Marbles doesn’t have to start for another week. He’s told me his update will relate the Street Fighter movie to the recent war in Iraq. Sounds like…good luck with that. P.S. Go read Jeeves' new post about large companies setting up shop all over the world. P.P.S. I agree with Jeeves' post because of the episode of the Drew Carey Show when he got trapped in China and was saved by McDonalds. P.P.P.S. Rammstein has an excellent song about the subject of Jeeves' post called Amerika on their new CD Reise, Reise which you should go buy. - Señor Grümbles
|
